checklist-1622517_640Coping with bereavement grief is not easy. It has major effects on many parts of life, is confusing, and doesn’t go away quickly if at all. It’s profound, pervasive, persistent and perplexing. Because grief is so big, stubborn and hard to get a grip on, I suspect there is no single easy, quick, certain fix to all the symptoms of losing someone you are close to.

However, by reading research studies and books that investigate evidence-based grief coping strategies, I’ve identified many fixes that, while they may be more or less difficult, slow-acting and uncertain and limited in effect, do at least offer the promise of helping. If each one helps even a little bit, doing a lot of them could help a lot. For me, that’s good news. I am willing to do what it takes.

I’ve identified many fixes that, while they may be more or less difficult, slow-acting and uncertain and limited in effect, do at least offer the promise of helping.

I’ll discuss all or most of these in greater detail in later posts. But, for now, here are brief descriptions of things I’m doing to cope with Brady’s death. These are in no particular order. I wrote them down as they occurred to me. Some of the more important ones are probably toward the end.

Evidence-based strategies I’m using to cope with Brady’s death:

  1. Be active in online grief support groups.

  2. Practice gratitude, listing five things I’m grateful for each Sunday.

  3. Spend 15 minutes journaling daily, focusing on the positive.

  4. Meditate two minutes daily.

  5. Re-copy positive goal-oriented affirmations daily.

  6. Read 10 pages of a book on coping, happiness, posttraumatic growth, etc. daily.

  7. Review recent research on grief and coping daily.

  8. Implement coping methods that are supported by evidence as helpful.

  9. Go to therapy and work at it.

  10. Try to make sense of Brady’s death, the world and my place in it.

  11. Build his legacy with the memorial bench, scholarship and charity tournament.

  12. Identify benefits I am gaining from this experience, such as more compassion.

  13. Cultivate posttraumatic growth.

  14. Maintain regular physical activity.

  15. Don’t use alcohol or drugs.

  16. Cultivate good sleep habits.

  17. Maintain frequent social activities.

  18. Create engaging new plans for the future and execute those plans.

  19. Maintain connection with Brady by viewing photos, recalling fond memories, etc.

  20. Be willing to feel bad and cry when appropriate, like when I’m home by myself.

  21. Invest in relationships with family and friends.

  22. Call and message other grieving parents for support and sharing regularly.

  23. Cultivate an optimistic outlook.

  24. Appreciate and savor life’s pleasures.

  25. Grant complete, unconditional forgiveness for everyone and the situation itself.

  26. Avoid mind-reading and thinking others are bored or put off by my grief.

  27. Be patient.

  28. Seek opportunities to smile and laugh daily.

  29. Be open to any possible activity I can do to feel better.

  30. Volunteer to help others and benefit the community.

I’m sure there are other things I’m doing that aren’t listed here. It’s no exaggeration to say that I spend hours every day just trying to keep myself together to get through the rest of the day.

I hate hating life. I want to feel better and to go back to enjoying life.

I don’t think I’m being over-zealous or fanatic in my pursuit of relief from grief. I mean, these days I often feel as though I really don’t care if I live another minute. Sometimes it seems like it would be fine if I went to sleep and never woke up. I regard this as a serious problem. I hate hating life. I want to feel better and to go back to enjoying life. Life was good before Brady was born on March 13, 2000. I hope it can be good again since he died Oct. 2, 2016. I’m alive and choose to stay alive and I am willing to do a lot to try to make life worth living.

I spend hours every day just trying to keep myself together to get through the rest of the day.

I understand that this sort of activist approach to grieving is not for everyone. Some people elect to take it easy and wait for time to do the healing. Others are looking forward to being reunited with their loved ones in the next life. Those approaches and others are perfectly appropriate for those who like them. I prefer this approach, because I want to feel better in this life, and I want to do so sooner rather than later.

If you’re interested in evidence-based strategies for coping with bereavement grief, come back to this page regularly, keep reading, comment and ask questions, and let other people know what we’re doing here. I think we can help each other find ways to suffer less for a shorter time and to love life again sooner rather than later.