Of all the factors researchers have identified over the last 20 years or so as having some kind of effect on grief, meaning-making may be the most important, or at least the best-studied. Again and again, evidence suggests that people who uncover some kind of meaning in a loss experience less severe and prolonged symptoms of grief than those who don’t find any  meaning.

For instance, a study published in 2003 looked at parents who’d lost a child to accident, suicide or homicide. The researchers assessed parents’ grief symptoms four times over a five-year period  beginning four months after the loss. They also looked at whether survivors had discovered any kind of meaning in the loss. Researchers summarized: “Parents who found meaning in the deaths of their children reported significantly lower scores on mental distress, higher marital satisfaction, and better physical health than parents who were unable to find meaning.”

Parents who found meaning in the deaths of their children reported significantly lower scores on mental distress, higher marital satisfaction, and better physical health.

Then a 2008 report found, “Of the factors examined in this study, sense-making emerged as the most salient predictor of grief severity, with parents who reported having made little to no sense of their child’s death being more likely to report greater intensity of grief.”

This is encouraging, of course, but it also creates a big problem.

senseI very much want to stop feeling like life is not worth living. And I want that to happen sooner rather than later. The problem is that when people use the term “senseless tragedy,” the suicide death of an innocent 16-year-old boy is exactly the kind of thing they are talking about.

How can I see any meaning in Brady’s death? How can anyone find meaning in the loss of a loved one? What kind of meaning could there possibly be?

I wasn’t surprised to learn that when researchers present bereaved people with those questions, they are likely to be told, “There is no meaning.” For example, a 2010 study asked 156 bereaved parents what kind of sense they had made of their child’s death. The most popular answer, given by nearly half, was that it made no sense. So if, like me, you have trouble finding meaning in your loss, we have plenty of company.

  A 2010 study asked 156 bereaved parents what kind of sense they had made of their child’s death. The most popular answer, given by nearly half, was that it made no sense.

But don’t give up yet. That 2003 study showed that, while after a year only 12 percent of bereaved parents saw some kind of meaning in their child’s death, after five years 57 percent had found meaning. So the passage of time – or something – may make it easier to find meaning and get the payoff of less intense and shorter-lived grief symptoms.

The Meaning of Meaning

Before going further, I should explain that we are not talking about finding the sort of meaning that might cause me to say, “All right! Now Brady’s death makes perfect sense and I’m totally okay with it!” That is not possible. That’s crazy. I am not going to be okay with Brady dying, just like you’re not going to be okay with your loss.

Instead, we are talking about the sort of meaning that lets us somehow fit our crushing, baffling losses into our understandings of life, the universe and the way reality works. Whatever we learn is not likely to make us feel wonderful about the loss of our loved one. Hopefully, however, it will help it seem a little less meaningless and help us to feel a little less awful.

We are not talking about finding the sort of meaning that might cause me to say, “All right! Now Brady’s death makes perfect sense and I’m totally okay with it!”

Another thing is that when researchers talk about meaning, they’re talking about two separate concepts. The first concept is making sense of the loss, or finding some kind of explanation for the death of our loved one.

The second consists of finding benefits in the loss. If anything, benefit-finding is more challenging than sense-making. When I first tried out the idea that there could be any benefit to losing Brady, I was a bit outraged and even sickened. But I really, really want to feel better, so I gulped and tried to look further, starting with exploring sense-making.

Examples of Meaning Found In Loss

I found a 2014 study that listed answers bereaved parents gave when asked what sense, if any, they made of their child’s death. I was fascinated. Here was a chance to see exactly what kinds of meaning I might actually find.

This study was done on European survivors, while the 2010 study I mentioned earlier was done on Americans. The only major difference I saw was that the most common sense-making theme for Americans was “God’s will,” while none of the Europeans cited divine will as a sense-making theme. Maybe Europeans aren’t as religious as Americans in general? Not sure.

You can see all the meanings bereaved parents attached to the loss in the 2014 study here. The meanings from the 2010 study are here.  I encourage you to click on the links and check out the full lists. They can help you to see what kinds of meanings other people have discovered, and perhaps suggest some meanings that you could relate to.

I’m going to talk now mostly about the European findings. At the top of the list of meanings these parents found is “Purpose of life/death,” which the authors further described as “Fulfillment of purpose of child’s presence in the world and/or the consequences following for one’s own life.” I’m not clear on exactly what this means.

I guess they’re trying to say the child had done whatever he or she was brought into this world to do. At age 16? Really? I am not seeing it, although other people have suggested that it is perfectly possible for Brady to have achieved his purpose in life. Anyway, 50 percent listed this as a way they made sense of their child’s death.

The next-most popular was “Biological explanation.” I think this meant the death was seen as the result of a disease or medical condition. Half the children in this study died of illness. Half died traumatically, including about 1 in 6 from suicide. I regard my son’s suicide as a result of mental illness, so I could relate to this one. I don’t find this particularly fulfilling as a source of meaning, however. It’s more of an explanation, which I guess is something.

Nearly 37 percent of these European parents said there was no sense or way to understand the loss.  Even more — 45 percent — of Americans felt the same way.

Forty percent of parents said belief in an afterlife and anticipated reunion with their lost child provided meaning. This is not a meaning available to me, since I’m not a believer, but I get the appeal.

Nearly 37 percent of these European parents said there was no sense or way to understand the loss.  Even more — 45 percent — of Americans felt the same way. I can relate to this one as well, even though I’m determined to try to find some kind of sense.

Some other sense-making themes that they mentioned and I connected with included end of the child’s suffering, viewing time with the child as a gift and death as a random event. End of suffering is probably the major sense-making theme for me. I think it’s clear that Brady died because he wanted to stop the pain of existence.

Nearly 7 percent mentioned the parent’s own actions as contributing to the death. That is not a meaning I am anxious to examine. I am having enough trouble with guilt as it is.

Limits of the Evidence

This study, like all of them, had significant limitations. To start with, there were only 30 parents in the European study. Also, some were parents of the same lost child.

The limited sample size makes it more like a pilot study than one that would support any firm conclusions. Also, the Europeans were all German or Austrian, so findings may not relate to other cultures. And average length of time since the loss for these parents was nearly 10 years. That is probably longer than most of the people reading this including, obviously, me.

The American study was larger and so its findings are likely more reliable. But one would like to see additional studies confirm the results.

So as far as nailing down how people bereaved by suicide make sense of losses, I don’t see this research as the final word. It does give some ideas about how we might make sense of our tragedies though. I know it helped me to come up with some ideas about how Brady’s death fits into my view of the world.

I think that provides an introduction to why and how a bereaved person might make sense of a loss, as well as why and how you might not be able to. In the next post, I’ll talk about benefits. If anything, that’s an even trickier discussion, but perhaps after I explain you’ll see how helpful it could be and get ideas for some benefits you can connect to.

The idea behind Grieve Well is to share research-based evidence about strategies you can use to help you feel better sooner after losing a loved one. The work is not always easy or fun. Finding meaning is certainly an example of a practice that challenges. But in my opinion almost any amount of effort and discomfort is way better than languishing in this pit of blackness.

I hope you find this information of benefit and you’ll share, comment, like, follow and visit again. I hope you find some peace today. And I am sorry for the losses that brought each of us here.