Of all the sensitive topics I will discuss here, this is possibly the most sensitive of all. What I’m going to talk about now is finding benefit in our losses. I am sure, based on previous discussions I have had on this topic, that some of you will be instantly sickened and repulsed by the idea. Some of you may be tempted to tell me off in no uncertain terms. I know where you’re coming from. The first time I read a research study suggesting it might help to find some benefit in my son’s death, I thought it was the stupidest thing I ever heard. I’ve changed my mind since and I’ll tell you why.

positivityBefore calling me an idiot, please understand that we are not talking about finding a benefit that will cause you to say, “Great! I am glad my loved one is dead! This is wonderful!” That’s stupid. That’s not going to happen. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is more like losing a billion dollars and then picking up a few pennies from the ground – totally insignificant compared to the loss we have experienced. To repeat: No conceivable benefit could compensate adequately for Brady’s death. I would without the slightest hesitation trade my most cherished possession, including my own life and health, to have him alive and healthy. Of course, no such trade is available, so it’s easy for me to say that. But I expect you know what I mean and that you feel similarly about your own lost loved one.

So I am not suggesting that you will uncover some benefit that will make up in any important way for the loss of your loved one. This is about finding even a minuscule, insignificant positive outcome of the experience. That’s all. So why bother? The reason is that research suggests that people who discover even tiny, seemingly irrelevant benefits in their losses tend to have less intense and less prolonged symptoms of grief. Feeling better sooner is what I’m after, so I made an effort to study this to figure out what was going on.

The Studies of Benefits

There are quite a few research studies going back a number of years that explore the role of meaning in coping with bereavement grief. Here’s one from 1998 that was one of the first to differentiate between sense-making, which was the subject of my last post, and benefit finding. This particular study found that sense-making seemed to help the most in the first year after a loss, while benefit-finding was particularly powerful after a year and up to 18 months post-loss.

For my money, two of the most interesting studies are this 2014 one by Austrian researchers and this 2010 study by an American group. Both looked at the role that meaning, including both sense-making and benefit-finding, played in the experiences of parents who had lost children. While I think each is worthy of being read all the way through, I was particularly drawn to the lists of sense and benefit themes that the participants reported.

A List of Benefits

Here are the benefit-finding themes, ranked in descending order from most commonly cited to least commonly cited, from the Austrian study:

Personal improvement

Changed priorities

Appreciation of life

Helping others

Stronger coping

No benefit

Appreciation of others

Increased sensitivity

Valuable lessons

Experience

Education

Enhanced spirituality

Bitter benefits

Increased empathy

Relationships developed

Freedom

Lifestyle improvements

Support from others

Benefits to others

Relationships to other children

I would prefer to include the entire table from the report, because it also has explanations of what the themes mean, as well as giving the percentage and number of respondents who picked each one. However, I think this would be a copyright violation, so I’m reluctant to go that far. I hope it is helpful (and legal) to present the list. I know it benefited me to see this list, because my main question when I started doing this research was: What in the hell kind of benefit could anybody possibly see in losing their child? This gave me a bunch of possible answers, so it was helpful in that regard. I encourage you to visit both links and read both papers, as they provide a great deal of added detail that may help you understand.

Benefit Theme Background

A few points about these benefits:

  • The most common theme, “Personal improvement,” was cited by nearly 47 percent or 14 participants. The least-cited, “Support from others,” was mentioned by only 3.3 percent. Two themes, “Benefits to others” and “Relationships to other children,” got no mentions. I’m not entirely sure where these last two came from if no one mentioned them.

  • The top theme of “Personal improvement” was further defined as “Themes of personal growth other than those detailed separately in this table (e.g., increased sensitivity), such as becoming wiser, more tolerant, etc.” I’d say most of the themes had something to do with personal improvement.

  • “Changed priorities” was the second most frequently cited theme, mentioned by 43 percent. It was further defined as “Changes in priorities or in the importance of how time is spent, or about what is distressing.” I imagine this is going to be similar to the experience of many bereaved people. And if a lot of stuff that used to bother you seems insignificant now, that is probably a benefit.

  • Nearly 27 percent of people in this study flatly said there was no benefit to the experience. It’s not surprising that many people found no positives in the tragic death of a child. What’s interesting to me is that so many did find some benefit. Also note that this is a much smaller number than the people who were unable to make sense of the loss. I wasn’t expecting that, because I had a more visceral negative reaction to the idea that good could come from Brady’s loss than to the idea that there might be meaning in it. Apparently it is easier to find benefits than meaning for many people, although that was not my experience.
  • Another significant theme is “Bitter benefits,” which 13 percent of people listed. The authors explained that this theme covered “Presumed positive, objective changes in life, which cannot really be seen as positive, such as there is nothing worse that could happen now.” I guess that is a bitter benefit, although I am very far from sure that there is nothing worse that could happen. If you spend much time communicating with people who have lost loved ones you’ll eventually hear stories that make yours look relatively easy. Many include multiple losses. I still have two living daughters, and after Brady’s death I can, unfortunately, believe I could lose one or both of them. That would definitely be worse.

What Doesn’t Kill Us

The overall theme of all these benefits could possibly be seen as a restatement of Nietzsche’s “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” quote. Nietzsche also said, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how,” which gets back to the importance of making sense and finding meaning. I’m trying to do that, with limited success, while also just trying to get through the day.

One way I’m seeking benefits in Brady’s death include using his loss to motivate me to work for suicide awareness and prevention. I’m also working to raise money for the scholarship fund in his name that will pay training fees for high-level competitive soccer players. I consider what I’m doing now – sharing my experience to help others who are similarly bereaved – to be a benefit stemming from the experience of losing my son. This last is a very commonly mentioned benefit in the discussions I have had on this topic. It’s worth noting that many important social improvements have been brought about by people motivated by tragic losses. Mothers Against Drunk Driving is possibly the most obvious. It was started by two mothers who lost children to drunk drivers. I don’t imagine that what I’m doing is as significant as that, but I’m doing what I can.

I hope this look at the potential for finding positives helps you to see a tiny sliver of silver inside the black cloud of your loss. It may seem pointless, but the research suggests it could help you regain your joy in living. As always, I’m not trying to tell anybody how they should grieve or suggesting that the way anybody grieves is wrong. I am sharing information about evidence-based grief coping strategies that you may find helpful. Or you may not. Different strokes for different folks. Your mileage may vary, etc. I wish you the best, and hope you find some peace today.